Round Up

I've fallen a bit behind but as I am still determined to try and keep blogging regularly this year, I am doing a round up.

The Easter holidays were absolutely lovely. For the last 7 years I haven't paid any attention to the school holidays but of course now I am back at school (college really) I have no choice! We didn't really "do" much, lovely walks at the Lakes, the woods, around the village, fimo-ing Easter stuff, a visit to Merry and the girls which was just lovely, very late nights sat in my bed cuddled up watching DVDs, lots of pottering around and baking and my birthday and that was about it. But it really was lovely just to spend time with my boy again. I had finished all my assignments long before the end of term so I had absolutely no work to do, meaning it really was just time for us.

I've been back at college for two weeks now, with three more weeks until half term and then four weeks after that until it is all over. I cannot wait to be finished. I am so far ahead with my work that I only have  three assignments to do altogether whilst everyone else has about 6 or so to do. There is one maths exam left and two more pieces of maths coursework but I'm not worried about those anymore.

Last week I looked after my friend's two year for five days and it was lovely. I had forgotten how "physical" looking after little ones is though! All the lifting on and off the toilet, lifting in to and out of the bath, in to and out of his cot etc etc! Charlie absolutely loved it, predictably so.

My back has "gone" again, so I am taking most of this next week off and going in to see the GP to try and get referred for another xray or MRI to see if there has been any more degeneration in my spine as it has been 7 years since the last one I think and I haven't had a flare up like this for a very long time.

Wild daffodils for Freddie

We went for a walk today, one year ago to the day that I first met Freddie. I saw these wild daffodils and thought immediately of him and his family. Still thinking of all seven of you.

Monday Monday

Yesterday was mother's day and it occurred to me that it should have been my last mother's day as the mother of one child. I should be having a baby in 6 weeks. I should be bigger than the pregnant tutor at college that teaches me twice a week & is due in July. It's getting harder and harder to sit in her lessons. I'm not sure why life has turned out this way but both of my lost babies were due in May, and now, due to yet another August cycle booked, I will end up with another May due date if I am lucky. There is no way around this as I start uni in September and need to complete my first year before taking any maternity leave. Due to the nature of a social work degree, leaving part way through is just not possible.

Today Charlie practised vital life skills by thoroughly cleaning & mopping the main bathroom & my ensuite whilst I laboured hard over my dissertation for college. It has been very hard without any access to academic texts, studies or journals, but I have done my best despite the lack of resources. It's basically finished although I will have a tutorial on Wednesday morning to go over it and will then need to make any changes that my tutor suggests.

So tomorrow it is back to the grindstone of college with English Language and psychology.

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Daffodils for Freddie

Charlie planted these this weekend, in a pot on purpose so we can take them with us if we move house.

Thinking of you always little one.

Resolve

I've neglected this blog for a very long time. Life and college has run away with my time. Realising this some time ago I decided to rectify that. Charlie is 13 now so has very little of his childhood left, very little time left with me even before going out into the big wide world. I want to capture the rest properly to allow me to remember better when he is long gone and I am not even sure what day of the week it is.

So I am resolving to blog more frequently from now on, primarily about Charlie and what we do but also about the rest of my college days and my uni course and journey to become a social worker. I may separate the uni stuff off to a different blog once I start my placements in year 2 or before then if it becomes clear there may be confidentiality issues or I might just want to be anon.

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Remembering Freddie on his birthday

I slept badly last night, consumed with bad dreams about all sorts of things. That wasn't a particularly good start to the weekend! Hotel Chocolat parcel arrived and cheered me up considerably.

A friend called and invited us to Oxford for lunch on her, having double checked the weather, I decided to risk it and we had a lovely time. Train very crowded with people off to the South Coast for the weekend but we managed to find seats albeit going backwards.

Lovely lunch in La Tasca, neither of us having had tapas before. I was pleasantly surprised to find it was all rather yummy and not spicy as I had feared. Cheesecake was particularly delicious! We climbed the Oxford Castle Mound afterwards and were rewarded with quite a nice view from the top. We sat and chatted whilst Charlie ran and jumped around and counted the dreaming spires.

Charlie asked to go to Waterstones so we ended up spending a fair amount of time in there close to two hours but we did have a drink in the cafe too. Charlie bought this and this as astronomy is his latest passion.

Just as we left the bookshop it started to rain so we made it to the train station as quickly as we could. We then had a 40 minute wait for the train home so I mooched around the M&S food hall at the station and bought my dad a birthday cake and then got a lovely milkshake and Charlie poured over his new books and Planisphere and eventually we got home at 7pm. Poor dogs not happy about being put out in the pouring rain when we got back!

April

April is normally a month of birthdays to me, both mine and my brother's. I like April because not only is the weather usually improving, but often it is Easter too and the combination of Easter and my birthday brings back fond memories from my childhood of holidays abroad and particularly when that was Cyprus.

And now, April has also bought another birthday into my life, Freddie's. Freddie is the son of a special friend of mine. I've held back from blogging about Freddie's birth and death because it felt wrong to tell someone else's story. It felt wrong to even think about the death of a newborn baby, let alone the death of a newborn baby of someone I knew, someone with whom I have shared experiences in common with, someone who I care about, someone whose family I care about, someone whose children my own son adores.

Then there was the shock that removed the ability to speak or think from me for several days and the overwhelming sadness and disbelief. So I didn't blog, I wrote blogs in my head instead.

Freddie was born on the 2nd April and I was so excited to see I had a text from my friend the next day as I knew it would be a birth announcement even though I had no idea that she had gone into labour. I was in Birmingham with another friend and Charlie and we were planning to visit the Sea Life Centre. My joy at hearing of the birth of Freddie was then turned to sadness as he was so unwell. I felt helpless and useless knowing that there was nothing I could say or do to make it better. I didn't deal with this very well as I am a bit of a "fixer", I like to be doing things to help, no matter how mundane. It's hard knowing people you care about are going through a difficult time.

A week later and Charlie and I were on our way down to our friends house to help look after the girls so that our friends could spend as much time together as possible with Freddie. That Saturday night I had the very unexpected honour of getting to meet Freddie. I was thrilled to get to meet the beautiful little man and even more unexpectedly, he had his eyes open and was awake and making little noises. It's no secret that I am a complete sucker for babies, but Freddie was just so beautiful and special in so many ways. I melted when I saw him. My heart completely ached for my dear friend when I saw her as it had been doing all week. I don't think I have ever wished so hard for a magic wand as I did in that moment. She is so strong, so dignified, so much a mama bear that it awed me.

The next day, Sunday, was a crafting day. Not exactly my strong point, but somehow sat around the dining table with the girls and Charlie it didn't matter. Actually it was fun and even I joined in. There was much laughter and chatter as we each child chose a different craft kit and away we went, one kit at a time. Apologies for the pics - only taken on my iphone.

 

The laughter and chatter continued on after lunch. The girls were coping so well, it astounded me. I must say something here about Charlie and how utterly proud I was of him. He was so thoughtful and caring all that day and the next. I never once had to intervene. He seemed to realise without being told that being normal was best and had worked out that making the girls laugh was a very good thing. He went out of his way to make jokes and keep everything light and fun and I think it was just the right thing to do.

More crafting after lunch and then some playing. Josie in particular really impressed me with the sewing kit. She was very determined to finish it. Charlie and Fran shared a kit as there was only four and managed this very co-operatively. The last kit was Charlie's choice and was the scratch art which they all seemed to really enjoy, I think this was everyones favourite and they were all disappointed when they ran out.

After a couple of DVD's they went to bed and Charlie joined them all to listen to stories which apparently then had them all telling stories and jokes and there was much laughter coming from upstairs which was lovely to listen to. Throughout the day Josie could be found on several occasions sitting on Charlie's lap or cuddling Charlie which just looked so sweet. 

On Monday, we all went to the hospital and I had the honour again of spending a little bit of time with Freddie. He wasn't awake this time and was struggling a bit with his breathing but he was so beautiful, he seemed to have gotten blonder since I saw him on Saturday! I touched his little hand before I left and commented to his mum that he seemed very long and I was sure he would be tall. Once again the feeling of being totally useless struck me as I stood there saying hello little man and telling him he had to grown big and strong if he could.

That afternoon the children all played in the garden whilst their dad was back at the hospital, it was a lovely sunny day and they were happily running about involved in their game. Maddy had a nose bleed and then cut her finger, both at the time I was cooking dinner for them. The cut finger was a bit much for her but somehow I made it better and calmed her down.

I can't blog the events that happened after dinner, that night or the next day. It's too raw for me at the moment and I'm not sure it is appropriate to talk about what happened when their dad came home for lots of reasons.

I can say that I am incredibly proud of how Charlie handled that night and the next day. I know it upset and perhaps even traumatised him, seeing people he loves so upset, but he didn't let it show until we had left. Right up until we walked out of the house he was strong and held it together for their sake. He gave hugs where they were needed, made people laugh and played with them and sat silently with them when that was needed too. One image I do have in my head is of that Monday night with him sat with Josie on his lap and his arm around Maddy. I have no idea how a 12 year old boy had the level of maturity to know what to do, but he did. 

I will always be honoured and feel lucky that I got to meet Freddie and see him twice in his short but special life. He will always have a special place in my heart. A special place for a very special baby boy. Sleep tight beautiful little one.

9th Kyu

Far too much to catch up on here but just wanted to quickly blog that Charlie had his first Karate grading today. It was a marathon 3 hour session with the grading at the end and he was very nervous, I could tell by just looking at him. He did really well and got his red belt 9th Kyu. So proud.

12

How, just how did that happen? How did my baby get to be 12 already? :(  Surely it can't be real??

It was a quiet day for him. Started at 9.30 when he woke up and he opened presents on my bed. He was thrilled with the Macbook, animation book, Star Trek movie DVD, Rabids Wii game and the HUGE world map I got him. He also got Guitar Hero 5 for the Wii from my brother, Sims 3 & money from my parents and money from his great Grandmother. A very happy chap with that haul.

After breakfast he disappeared into the office with the Macbook and Sims and I didn't see him until 2pm!

I was expecting my parents to call around 10am as that was the time their plane was due to land in Singapore and they normally call from the baggage hall but they didn't. At lunchtime Lisa called with a work query and I could hear my mobile ringing from upstairs. It was my parents. Anyway got through to them and they had gone straight to a "cocktail party" from the airport so hadn't had time to call! It's ok for some! They wished Charlie Happy Birthday and then they were off to bed I think.

We did have lots of plans for today but I've had a vomitting virus this week so was feeling too weak and achey to do much. I made the decision at 2pm to go off to Sainsburys for birthday cake and then we went to local hotel for Afternoon Tea which Charlie loved.

Came home, Charlie Sim'd, I checked work stuff. Next door girl came at 8pm which was lovely for Charlie as this birthday has been a bit lonely for him what with my parents having left yesterday for 6 weeks and him not being able to have friends for a party. My brother didn't call to say Happy Birthday either which upset him a bit.

I have promised him another birthday day next week when full strength has returned. Today's outing has absolutely exhausted me but I can't sleep, I lay awake until 4am this morning before falling asleep as well.

Happy birthday to my beautiful, gorgeous, funny, bright, endearing, loving boy. I love you so much, you are so much fun to be around. If you could just stop growing up, that would be lovely, thank you!

Back to work

Yesterday Charlie restarted his "normals" and we had a quiet day at home with just a return visit to the vets for both dogs. 3 visits and 3 lots of medicine for both their hideous ear infections at a cost of £200 so far. Dodger started off with an infected right ear, on our second visit that ear was cleared up but his left ear was then infected and yesterday being told his left ear is clear now, the right ear however, had got re-infected. Arrggghhhh. Megan is still bad in both ears so more drops for both of them. If they are no better in two weeks when we go again they will need blood tests as something is clearly not right and both have lost weight too.

Bloody dogs are more trouble than children!

Today I woke up with yet another temperature. It started at 100.1 and was up to 101.7 at lunch time. I was having some weird visual disturbances as well this morning so spent most of the day in bed. My new Macbook Pro came - I am in love and have spent an hour transferring all my documents and files over to that and wiping my old Macbook ready to give to Charlie-bob for his birthday a week on Friday. He has no idea and is going to be over the moon, particularly as his not-even-a-year-old-yet HP laptop seems to have died a funny death that even I can't fix.

He is becoming quite the little Apple fanboygeek with his two Ipods and soon to be Macbook!

He didn't do any normals today, apparently because he was looking after me. I just let it go as it is true that I have been really ill for about 3/4 of the last 6 months.

I became an Aunt today. My brother's GF had their baby, a girl, after being induced as she was 2 days late and her blood pressure was a little high. Sounds like Australia is even more over-medicalised than America to me. I had a nasty shock over the name as it was the same name that I gave the baby I miscarried. My brother can't have known that but it knocked me for six when my mum told me this morning, particularly as its only been two weeks since I had to cancel my IVF cycle this month. It will be weird hearing that name though for a little while, my mum was understanding when I eventually explained though. Charlie thought it was a bit funny as his first and middle name were also used by second cousin who was pregnant at the same time as me, although she did know that I had chosen those names before she decided as I had a private anomaly scan and was told the sex so we chose his names straight after that.

It seems January is a very popular month to have babies, my godson on the 4th, my niece on the 5th, two of my friends on the 13th, and Charlie on the 15th. January ends up being nearly as expensive as December!

We had been planning to go to HE ice skating in Oxford on Thursday but I think the weather is going to stop that as the windscreen wipers stopped working just before Christmas and the car isn't going to the garage until Friday as that was the earliest they could fit us in. I also found out that a local HE group has been started. Only monthly and I'm not sure of the ages of the children, but who cares? I will get to speak to some grown ups that neither a) work for me, b) are related to me.

2009

2009 has unfortunately been the fourth year in the row when major horrible things have happened so I am glad to see the back of it in every way. This time for the first time, those horrible things have been both personal and business related rather than just personal. I've moved on from the business part though as it's just not worth dwelling on. The year has ended badly too as I had to cancel my 9th IVF cycle I had booked for January 2010 as a direct result of what was done to my business by a third party.  The email that I sent to the clinic last week doing that was probably the worst thing I've had to do for a very long time especially as I've been waiting 26 months for this cycle but I had no choice.

We started this year with a big positive - 3 weeks in Florida for Charlie and I in January. We had a wonderful time, much needed break for me and perfect for us to reconnect and Charlie turned 11 there. It all seems so far away now! Charlie asked to learn guitar so I bought him one and he's been having lessons from next door and seems to be doing very well.

March saw the business finally leaving my house and moving in to premises which was a big relief all round. In April I got a year older (groan) and we got two dogs from the RSPCA.

We spent Spring and summer having lots of days out and some great walks with the dogs too. Charlie has come along leaps and bounds with his Maths again this year. He's had some moments where the penny has obviously dropped for him which has been lovely to see.

He's very definitely growing into a young man. He has growth spurts all the time and is needing new clothes almost at the same frightening rate as he did when he was a toddler! Even his feet have grown which hadn't happened for almost 18 months. He still sucks his thumb though which has surprised me considering he turns 12 in 15 days time but despite my fears that he'd need a brace because of it, he doesn't and his teeth were declared perfect by the dentist. He's a very interesting mix of baby and young man, he still adores all his cuddly toys but takes on responsibilities beautifully and can be trusted to do so much now.

He surprised me a few months ago when he asked for Galore Park Secondary level Maths. Actually surprised is a bit of an understatement! But, to give him his dues, he has coped very well with it so far even though we are only a couple of chapters in. He is loving the secondary level History, English etc which go with the Geography and Science he already had.

It's hard to believe he will be 12 in 15 days time, harder to believe that I am old enough to have a 12 year old, in 6 years he could be gone,  but as we head into 2010, I know that he is growing into the most amazing young man and that makes me very proud.

Christmas 2009

Lisa worked the 21st and I did 22nd & 23rd, both times I was in and out in less than an hour which was fab and Christmas work wise has been a million times calmer and better than last year. I've worked less hours and whilst at times it has been stresful, it almost seems like nothing compared to last year. Being able to have the premises and even better, the employee in the premises rather than both in the house has been priceless. Just having the space to pack properly means that parcels can be done in half the time. Fantastic.

Consequently this means that home life has been much better this Christmas. The Christmas tree was bought the first weekend in December rather than a few days before Christmas Day, and Charlie and I have had time to do stuff together. We've had a few rocky moments but overall, so much nicer than last year.

I had some dental surgery on the 16th December which has definitely affected everything as I really suffered this time with pain right up until Christmas Eve. I was overdosing on ibruprofen and paracetamol every single day just to be able to barely function. It was horrid. The sleeping sedation also wiped me out completely which was also a new side effect. I can barely remember anything of that day and managed to wipe my new site after being stupid enough to do some work when I got home!

So, Christmas Eve started with giving Charlie his Christmas Eve hamper which went down a storm. This is my new tradition and is an extension of new pj's that I always wrapped and gave in the evening of Christmas Eve. After breakfast we started work on the Gingerbread House Kit I got in Selfridges, had lunch, did the star biscuits, watched some xmas films, played some games etc Charlie had a bath, I had a shower, we donned our new xmas pj's, we popped popcorn, made our snowman soup (hot chocolate with squirty cream, mini marshmallows and chocolate drops) and watched Santa Buddies and then Charlie went off to bed. Lovely, lovely day.

Christmas Day and Charlie woke at 7.45am and came in to my room and we opened stockings. Charlie love his wooden puzzle box and his other bits and pieces, particularly the Disney Pin I picked up in Florida in January for his collection.

Downstairs and we let the dogs out and then opened presents. Charlie loved his DSi, Meccano set, puzzle ball, DVD, DS game, Bear Grylls books from my Godsons mother and National Geographic subscription from my best friend and 3 Wii games from my brother and his GF.

Charlie got me a new Willow Tree ornament, the new Dan Brown book, box of Hotel Chocolat chocolates, Next & Debenhams gift cards and fruit and nut toblerone.

I made Jamie Olivers Christmas Pancakes for breakfast which were yummy and then we went over to my parents around 11am. Lovely lunch and more presents, lego and Cambridge Brain Box kit and some other bits for Charlie and then we came back around 3pm and walked the dogs. By the time it was 4pm I was starting to feel really ill and fell asleep on the sofa for an hour which is really unlike me. Charlie helped my Dad take my Nan back to the care home and we had a light tea and then early bed for both of us.

Boxing Day and we went into town as Charlie wanted to spend some Christmas money. It wasn't very busy really, much busier when we went back on Monday!

Apart from going into town again on Monday where Charlie got two cd's and 3 DS games for £60 in HMV we've just slobbed out at home since. Very nice and relaxing tbh. We've spent every day in pj's since Monday.

Will add photos tomorrow.

Nearly over for another year

Quick catch-up on last week, Monday and Tuesday I can't remember much of, mostly lying around in bed as my back had gone again the previous week meaning weekend plans with friend and London trip had to be cancelled :(

On Tuesday we took apart Charlie's bunks to make them into 2 single beds and put one bed in the spare room along with his tv, dvd player and his PS2 and the Wii was also moved up there from downstairs. Am planning a crafty flat screen tv purchase in the sales for that room. His bedroom now looks much bigger and better and we've been surfing the web for ideas for new bedding, rug and bits and pieces.

Wednesday we were up at 6am to leave at 7.15am to get to the dental surgery in Oxford so I could have a tooth out under sleeping sedation. Of course, if the referral hadn't taken 4 months to come through, I could have just had a filing and kept my tooth but by the time the bloody NHS had got its act together it was too late. I had a lovely sleep and consequently remember almost nothing of Wednesday except wiping everything from my brand new website which is supposed to be launched. That will be why they tell you not to do anything important like work or sign legal papers for 24 hours then. Sigh.

I've been in serious pain ever since, am taking painkillers every two hours and couldn't open my jaw to eat for 3 days but apart from that....

Friday morning I dragged us out of bed early to be at the Mall by 8.30, took some paperwork to the Council offices, got some last minute Christmas bits in, did a food shop and a dog food shop and then made it home. I was in no fit state to be doing any of that but I knew at that point if it snowed even another inches worth the muppet wagon wouldn't be able to get off the drive and I didn't want a repeat of this year when we got back from Florida and promptly got snowed in the house with no food!

Saturday we had a lovely pj's, sofa and movies day and watched various films on Sky. I am loving the new Sky+, being able to pause tv is so much fun and very handy!

Sunday was a particularly bad day pain wise :( Managed to do a bit hoovering and cleaning and changed the beds and got through a few loads of washing. Then I just collapsed in a pained heap and watched Brothers & Sisters d/l's on my Macbook.

Today I was pretty much at the warehouse all day. So many expedited delivery orders over the weekend. Everything got sent, ebay sale has gone very well too. I will go in tomorrow as there are more orders and I let Lisa finish today and then hopefully there won't be any orders on the 23rd.

I won't be here at 2pm

Famous last words!

I had NO intentions of going into work again as I am really enjoying how much calmer and nicer it is this year with the business being gone. I am actually seeing December and I like it. But when my Dad came over at 9am to help me put the boy dogs ear drops in (poor sod has an absolute raging ear infection) he kindly gave me 4 parcels to send for him. He has been selling some Bronica (sp?) camera equipment on ebay that he no longer uses and has made £700 - he is thrilled as this means he can afford the specialist £860 printer that he wants.

So, I dispatched Charlie upstairs to do his work (GP secondary level) all was fine and he is very excited about doing the Geography field study (he's had the Geography for a few months now) and I whizzed through the accounts and banking and we left around 10.35 and were just beaten by Lisa arriving early.

Charlie was in the back room finishing off his work, Dad's parcels packed, my Secret Santa present wrapped and sent, stock control done, orders printed off and Courier booked and then whilst Lisa packed I started to work on the fix for the previously mentioned SQL database error.

I was in the middle of fixing it when I noticed it was now 12.00 so sent Charlie to the cafe to get lunch and breezily explained to Lisa that as I wouldn't still be here at 2pm could she please print off the rest of the orders and mark as shipped as its settlement day.

At 1.50pm she laughed out loud and said "of course you won't still be here at 2pm when the Courier comes will you" I resisted the urge to throw a box at her ;)

SQL problem fixed and then at 1.30pm Packing Partner broke - I resisted the urge to scream. So downloaded fix for that and then went back to trying to install the evaluation of the stock control system now that the SQL was fixed - it threw up a new problem. I am awaiting their tech supports help now.

I sent Lisa home at 2pm and then we left around 2.30 as just before I went to leave I noticed Mr Bubbles needed replenishing so parcels could be packed tomorrow.

Dinosaur model out on the road had extra bits to his torso today so that was exciting and we found out they are being filmed for a documentary which is why no-one can go down one particular corridor between 7pm-7am at the moment.

Home and flopped. Charlie has K'Nex'd more, Meccano'd and lamented that his thesaurus and dictionary are lacking so he couldn't finish his English GP as the thesaurus didn't have the word in that he needed to look up. Must rectify that with trip to bookshop.

Second only to...

Fed up with my beloved sons moaning about being made to do work for school years beneath the one he would be in, last week I ordered GP Maths, Science, History & English in the first books of the secondary series. Science, History & English he could do in his sleep at that level but I think in about 20 Maths pages time he will regret moaning! He asked, he got, sometimes you learn to regret asking for things.

So, up as usual this morning, work, afore mentioned GP books arrived, Charlie did an exercise or 2 of each, played with some K-nex motors after his brand-new-only-arrived-yesterday Meccano set was confiscated as a punishment, he dealt with the dogs, I dealt with work stuff and parent stuff and then after lunch we dashed off to the unit as I needed to try and install some trial software.

That failed - @£$%&!!! stupid Windows machines - I could have kicked it. Someone NEEDS to sort out proper stock and order management software for Macs, please!

So we left after an hour had passed and I had unpacked our second delivery from a new supplier. We marvelled at the new animatronic dinosaur model outside Avalon Studios - they make the Walking with Dinosaurs models - we love that they are on our business village as there is always exciting stuff around to look at and they sometimes let Charlie go in and watch a model being molded or having something done to it. Also found out they are putting on an exhibition type thing on Oxford Street next year - they've made 24 dinosaurs for that. Lovely people too.

Popped round the corner to go to Tescos, didn't buy anything though, wanted to look at a Flip video camer IRL and also checked out a few other bits and pieces. Back home for dinner and have been stuck upstairs working ever since.

It's December

Which apparently means that no "normals" or anything even remotely resembling work is getting done. Hmmm. Not entirely sure I have the energy to enforce it either.

My mother is at it again. But that I mean, not so subtle attempts to persuade me to send him to school. A few weeks ago we were at their house and she "secretly" took me into the dining room and told me that she'd seen in the local paper that a lovely private school in Brackley was giving full fee bursaries away and it's a lovely school and wouldn't that be good and she thought I'd be interested. I gave her a look, said no and walked out of the room. Then about two weeks later at my parents anniversary "do" my Aunt not-so-subtley asked if I was still HE'ing him and hadn't I thought it was better to send him to school now he is of secondary age. So obviously put up to it by my mother.

I am sick to death of the constant undermining and it isn't even restricted to HE/school.

Not much other news as nothing ever happens here HE wise as no groups or HE friends. Charlie is starting to get more and more lonely to the stage where it is seriously affecting his behaviour. Poor little man :( I've said it before a million times but it's still true, I hate living in this stupid County. Plans to move in 2010 have most likely been scuppered in the most despicable way by an outsider which just makes everything worse as we are both desperate to move somewhere where there are HE people/groups.

After a weekend of brain storming and pondering, we decided to try something new. I went into the warehouse on Sunday afternoon and did what I would normally do on a Monday morning. Charlie watched the children of the dinosaur people on their quad bikes and was very mournful. He had a little cry about loosing Anna and not having seen "the girls" much this year, I think watching the dinosaur children have so much fun together reminded him :(

That, coupled with some other events this year has really made me determined to get away from here where there is just nothing HE-wise going on. We're completely cut off here and this means he only gets to be anywhere near other children at Karate or playing out in the close, which isn't happening much at the moment due to the weather. We're both lonely, we've both been dropped by so called friends and it's starting to affect us. Too much loss for one year. So I've started looking seriously at nice places to go and live, that fit what I want, have a good HE scene but won't be full of painful reminders. Charlie is bordering on being deeply unhappy I think.

So, the plan behind going into the warehouse on Sunday meant that I didn't have to go into work on Monday and could spend the day catching up on paperwork, ordering stock, more paperwork, some housework and spending time with Charlie. He had some more tears this afternoon about having lost Anna and not seen the girls either, so we had a long cuddle and a chat. I don't think I was very comforting as I am very cynical about friendships but I tried hard. It's difficult to know what to say. It's so hard seeing him that upset.

He didn't do any work today but changed his bed linen and did some hoovering and tidying. We're also trying out a new system for his work too, so we'll see how that goes. He's nearly at the end of 3B in Maths and 4A arrived on Friday and I got a bit scared when I looked at it so we might leave that for a while and do some much easier GP maths instead. It seems like a huge jump from 3B to 4A - what were they thinking??

He's bombing through English, Science, History, Geography, NVR, VR etc etc everything is easy for him and, dare I say it, he even pretty much bombs through Maths too once he understands what is being asked.

I really won't be going in to the warehouse on Mondays at all any more unless there is some kind of emergency. I'm trying to keep my visits there down to once a week, so far this "Christmas" is a million times better than last and it seems to me that just having the space to spread out properly means you can do twice the number of parcels in half the time. Everything is so much easier. I'm taking on another 300 sqft in January which will help loads, very lucky that the unit next to me is empty and so they can knock through and give me 300sqft of the space. We now have our Royal Mail collection back at a fantastic time of day and with Yorks and one dedicated driver who cannot do enough to help. Already this has made a huge difference in 3 days.

I've got a dental assessment appointment in bloody Oxford on Thursday and then Swine Flu jab on Saturday morning. Off to London on Monday afternoon, staying overnight and then seeing an immunological disease specialist on Tuesday and heading home. We're planning to hit Harrods as this is Charlie's favourite place in London, see the Christmas lights, milkshakes at the best diner in London, maybe make it to the Tate Modern, going to the Apple store and perhaps Hamleys too. It's going to be a fun trip rather than educational (except for the part where I have 20 vials of blood taken!) and we're treating it as a mini-break. Dogs will be in kennels until Wednesday so that is all taken care of. I might see if I can book us on a London Eye night flight as we've done a day flight twice.

I will treat Charlie to a meal in Yo Sushi! too as he loves, loves, loves sushi. I am actually looking forward to it, here's hoping it will be a nice little break.

Dear Mr Ed Balls and the DCSF

My son spent a total of two school years and a term at two different schools. He went happily into reception 4 months before his fifth birthday and within weeks, in retrospect, was a completely different child. He was a bright, happy child with amazing verbal and comprehension skills and he could even add up. He had a complete love of learning, had constantly been asking deep and probing questions since he could talk and just wanted to know everything about everything. Adults, even strangers, loved to talk to him and people everywhere we went constantly mentioned how bright and interesting he was. He loved life, loved people and just enjoyed being.

He quickly became very, very bored and frustrated at school. He learned to read within weeks and had finished the entire ORT reading scheme books in the middle of the second term of reception. He was frustrated to be restricted by the system, the "right" way of doing things, when all he wanted to do was learn and expand and grow. By the time he was in Year 1, he couldn't add up even the simplest of sums. 2+4 = impossible for him. Something happened to him in school which meant that even now, 3 months from his 12th birthday and five years since I removed him from school, Maths is a constant, uphill struggle for him and it shouldn't be.

He started ripping up Maths worksheets and refusing to do them. He escaped out of classrooms and went missing for up to 4 hours at a time, with 20 adults looking for him. This didn't happen once, but ten times.

He was assessed by an Ed Psych at the insistence of the school. I think they were fairly disappointed when the Ed Psych declared there was nothing wrong with him and his IQ was in the top 2% of the population. The Ed Psych put the ball firmly back in the schools court and yet he still continued to struggle. He stopped talking at one point at the age of 6. He was miserable, talked weekly about wanting to die and how "bad" he was, how he was always in trouble at school so he must be "evil" and "naughty" and "the worst child in the world" and "stupid".

So no, Mr Ed Balls, I will not stop fighting you and this government. It's been a long journey, but he is finally happy again. He still struggles with Maths a lot, but every month sees a small improvement. One day he may even be at the level he is "supposed" to be for his age.

It's home education that has healed him, that has given me back my son. I would rather move to the other side of the world than let the system back into our lives. I will keep on fighting for my right to keep my son whole.

Charlie has had renewed enthusiasm for Education City recently so I bought a subscription and set him a challenge which he is currently completely on course to meet. He's powering his way through all the games in his current level which is no mean feat on a Vista laptop!

I just realised the other day that I haven't heard him practice his guitar for ages recently so have plans to restart that as a regular thing asap and get back in to more of a routine as due to Lisa's holiday and various other reasons, things have been seriously unstructured around here lately.

We're going to look around the Oxford Montessori Farm School in a few weeks as they allow home educators to access their lessons on individual subjects leading to GCSE's if you wish. I'm thinking of Maths for him and maybe Environmental Management too as I am sure he would absolutely love that.

I've also found the possibility of a Latin group in the village so need to contact them and find out if they will allow children to attend too as Charlie is keen to learn Latin.