I remember

For Evie, Freddie, Florence, Sophia & Thomas.

For all the other lost little ones, I think of you all too.


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The big change

Charlie started school today, no more home education for us. It makes me very sad really. The restriction to doing things in school holidays and weekends is something I find deeply annoying, claustrophobic even. Luckily, his school, being a private montessori one, is fine with parents taking children out of school in term time, but as he is starting GSCE work now, I feel a bit funny about it. I haven't ruled it out by a long shot, particularly as my uni holidays barely overlap with his even at Christmas :(  Actually the Christmas thing is really upsetting me as he finishes at the start of December and I have lectures up to the 21st December. Then Charlie goes back to school on the 4th January whereas I have another three weeks off after that. Christmas is the most special time in our little family so I am none too happy that our usual pre-christmas stuff won't happen.

The school run isn't much fun either - 45 minutes each way which means three hours of driving every day and getting up early! We will have to get up and leave even earlier when I start uni. But anyway, off Charlie went this morning, he was nervous and flung himself on me as we were leaving the house with cries of "I want to stay here with you mummy". I tried not to cry!




He had a good day I think, DT, French and music. He was tetchy when I picked him up though. Tomorrow is Maths and Sport. I think he is very nervous about the Maths even though he was absolutely fine with it during the taster day in June. I'm nervous for him but not showing it.

It was very, very weird being home without him today. He is going off on Air Cadets first class training camp this weekend as well, which will be even weirder. Doesn't seem right that he will be gone at the end of this fairly momentous first week at school, but there you go. I didn't have the heart to say no.

Final Countdown

One week today Charlie will start school. Four weeks today and I will be in the midst of my induction week at university. Time has passed very quickly. It seems ridiculous to think that when I finished college way back at the beginning of the summer, I had 12 weeks of holiday to look forward to, 9 of those with Charlie! It felt like forever and now it is all but over.

The last week or so has passed in a flurry of parcels arriving. Four core texts for me (£91!!), A4 notebook for Charlie, combat boots and parade shoes for Charlie, a new bag for uni, lunchbox for me, Kleen Kanteens for us both and trainers and shoes for Charlie to arrive this week. He still needs more stuff for Air Cadets but nothing else for school unless I have forgotten something. The joys of a non-uniform wearing school gives me lots to be thankful for!

He's grown lots already this year and I have had to get used to buying tops and underwear for him in the men's section of shops - a deeply weird experience for me, having never had to do so before. I can only get through it by making deeply inappropriate jokes in my head!

My Access Diploma certificates came in the post last week and it was really nice to see something official marking my achievement. Induction week at Uni is four days long and our timetable for that is very full. They are working us hard and we appear to have at least one lecture if not two. Oh and a free lunch on the first day which is Tuesday.

I am really looking forward to the whole experience and will definitely be blogging the whole thing as previously mentioned. I had toyed with getting a separate blog but that seems silly given that uni will become life, so this blog it is and I really didn't want a third blog to have to update as well. I may have separate the blogs in my second year when we start placements but we will see how it works out.

Total neglect and everything is changing

The neglect part being this blog. I don't know why I am so rubbish at posting, maybe it's because I like to sit at my desk in my study to actually type stuff and I do 99% of my browsing from the iPad or from the laptop just on my lap these days. But anyway, here's yet another catch up type post covering the last two months for Charlie and I.

I managed to make it through the last weeks of my Access course amongst not pleasant personal circumstances with another student. But I did it. Overally I found the work incredibly easy over the year. Nothing challenged or stretched me in the actual work. Occasionally it was difficult to work out what the tutors wanted, but that was through their own in concise titles and instructions or at times, essay titles that just weren't written in English and made no sense whatsoever! I adored doing my dissertation and the whole course experience showed me very quickly how much I love study and academics. I had forgotten. My personal tutor and the course leader berated me for my chosen uni degree, both insisting that I should do Sociology or Psychology and then go on to do Masters and Phd. Both felt that I was far too academic to not take that route and that I would be bored stiff otherwise, in an ordinary job. I was flattered and confused at the start of the course when they said this, as it wasn't something I'd considered I was clever enough to do - a Phd for gods sake! But by the spring term, I agreed. I know that I will enjoy my chosen degree, but I think I will bored stiff in the job at the end of it. I would love, love,love to carry on and do masters and a Phd, but, unfortunately when you are a single mother you have a child to support on one salary alone. This means no more study for me after my undergraduate degree. Such is life and sacrifices have to be made. Not everybody gets to do what they would love to.

I know I am very lucky to have a place at uni - my course is more competitive than medicine, it is, for whatever reason, the most competitive course out there. I had a 8% chance of an interview and then a 2% chance of a place. The interview day was very long and hard with exercises, written exams, group discussions and individual interviews. It was just my luck to be in the group that was interviewed individually by the big boss of the course, who of course was a Doctor and was mean! Still I made it. I was so thrilled when I got my place. I finished my Access course with a huge majority of Distinctions and the highest marks in the whole of my group, and I even passed Maths with flying colours. I was particularly proud of my maths exam results - 99%, 86%, 60% and 87%. The 60% exam I was particularly proud of because all the work was done for that whilst I was in Australia for 6 weeks and I had one lesson before the exam! 

Last week the uni made my offer unconditional and firmed my place as I had exceeded my offer, so now I really am going to uni in September. The reading list and timetable arrived last week as well. I am officially very excited and can't wait to get back to essays and books!

Charlie is going to school in September. In essence so that I can attend university but also partly because of the GCSEs he wants to take. He will be attending the most fabulous montessori school, it's on a farm and I love it as much as he does. I could wax lyrical about it for hours, there are so many things they offer there. I would have loved to have gone to school there. They have horses, peacocks, chickens, cats,  fruit and veg gardens, willow play structures and so much more. The seniors get a lot of freedom, have their own common room, kitchen area with microwave, kettle and fridge, computer and so much more. All the children are expected to help with the maintenance of the grounds, all the fences etc are hand made by staff and students and the seniors are expected to help with the juniors and nursery children. They do bushcraft and survival skills and so much more. 

Charlie spent three days there in June and he absolutely loved it. He even found the maths easy and was able to solve the sums! Home education did something right! I am still nervous for him about it, but far less so than if he was going to one of the state schools here. I think he is going to be just fine and as a bonus he will be able to have guitar lessons. 

He also started air cadets last night after a taster session last week. This was my idea after his revelation a few months ago that he wants to be a doctor in the army. No, the RAF, I said and you should go to the air cadets to get an idea of what military life is like. The temptations of being a pilot rather than a doctor are starting to edge in now over the last few weeks, but he says he wants to be both. We'll see. At least science GCSEs and A Levels are acceptable for both routes. As someone completely against war and the forces, this is challenging for me but at least in the RAF he could end up working Search and Rescue here like the Duke of Cambridge and not involved in killing people. I am selfishly hoping the whole appeal of the forces disappears. He doesn't have any interest in the killing part, says he wants to be a doctor to save people that have been hurt because of the war, so we'll see.

He is loving all the drill though, and came home from air cadets completely buzzing again last night.

Six weeks today he starts school and three weeks after that I start my uni lectures. It all seems to be happening very quickly now!

Round Up

I've fallen a bit behind but as I am still determined to try and keep blogging regularly this year, I am doing a round up.

The Easter holidays were absolutely lovely. For the last 7 years I haven't paid any attention to the school holidays but of course now I am back at school (college really) I have no choice! We didn't really "do" much, lovely walks at the Lakes, the woods, around the village, fimo-ing Easter stuff, a visit to Merry and the girls which was just lovely, very late nights sat in my bed cuddled up watching DVDs, lots of pottering around and baking and my birthday and that was about it. But it really was lovely just to spend time with my boy again. I had finished all my assignments long before the end of term so I had absolutely no work to do, meaning it really was just time for us.

I've been back at college for two weeks now, with three more weeks until half term and then four weeks after that until it is all over. I cannot wait to be finished. I am so far ahead with my work that I only have  three assignments to do altogether whilst everyone else has about 6 or so to do. There is one maths exam left and two more pieces of maths coursework but I'm not worried about those anymore.

Last week I looked after my friend's two year for five days and it was lovely. I had forgotten how "physical" looking after little ones is though! All the lifting on and off the toilet, lifting in to and out of the bath, in to and out of his cot etc etc! Charlie absolutely loved it, predictably so.

My back has "gone" again, so I am taking most of this next week off and going in to see the GP to try and get referred for another xray or MRI to see if there has been any more degeneration in my spine as it has been 7 years since the last one I think and I haven't had a flare up like this for a very long time.

Wild daffodils for Freddie

We went for a walk today, one year ago to the day that I first met Freddie. I saw these wild daffodils and thought immediately of him and his family. Still thinking of all seven of you.

Monday Monday

Yesterday was mother's day and it occurred to me that it should have been my last mother's day as the mother of one child. I should be having a baby in 6 weeks. I should be bigger than the pregnant tutor at college that teaches me twice a week & is due in July. It's getting harder and harder to sit in her lessons. I'm not sure why life has turned out this way but both of my lost babies were due in May, and now, due to yet another August cycle booked, I will end up with another May due date if I am lucky. There is no way around this as I start uni in September and need to complete my first year before taking any maternity leave. Due to the nature of a social work degree, leaving part way through is just not possible.

Today Charlie practised vital life skills by thoroughly cleaning & mopping the main bathroom & my ensuite whilst I laboured hard over my dissertation for college. It has been very hard without any access to academic texts, studies or journals, but I have done my best despite the lack of resources. It's basically finished although I will have a tutorial on Wednesday morning to go over it and will then need to make any changes that my tutor suggests.

So tomorrow it is back to the grindstone of college with English Language and psychology.

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Daffodils for Freddie

Charlie planted these this weekend, in a pot on purpose so we can take them with us if we move house.

Thinking of you always little one.

Resolve

I've neglected this blog for a very long time. Life and college has run away with my time. Realising this some time ago I decided to rectify that. Charlie is 13 now so has very little of his childhood left, very little time left with me even before going out into the big wide world. I want to capture the rest properly to allow me to remember better when he is long gone and I am not even sure what day of the week it is.

So I am resolving to blog more frequently from now on, primarily about Charlie and what we do but also about the rest of my college days and my uni course and journey to become a social worker. I may separate the uni stuff off to a different blog once I start my placements in year 2 or before then if it becomes clear there may be confidentiality issues or I might just want to be anon.

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Remembering Freddie on his birthday