April

April is normally a month of birthdays to me, both mine and my brother's. I like April because not only is the weather usually improving, but often it is Easter too and the combination of Easter and my birthday brings back fond memories from my childhood of holidays abroad and particularly when that was Cyprus.

And now, April has also bought another birthday into my life, Freddie's. Freddie is the son of a special friend of mine. I've held back from blogging about Freddie's birth and death because it felt wrong to tell someone else's story. It felt wrong to even think about the death of a newborn baby, let alone the death of a newborn baby of someone I knew, someone with whom I have shared experiences in common with, someone who I care about, someone whose family I care about, someone whose children my own son adores.

Then there was the shock that removed the ability to speak or think from me for several days and the overwhelming sadness and disbelief. So I didn't blog, I wrote blogs in my head instead.

Freddie was born on the 2nd April and I was so excited to see I had a text from my friend the next day as I knew it would be a birth announcement even though I had no idea that she had gone into labour. I was in Birmingham with another friend and Charlie and we were planning to visit the Sea Life Centre. My joy at hearing of the birth of Freddie was then turned to sadness as he was so unwell. I felt helpless and useless knowing that there was nothing I could say or do to make it better. I didn't deal with this very well as I am a bit of a "fixer", I like to be doing things to help, no matter how mundane. It's hard knowing people you care about are going through a difficult time.

A week later and Charlie and I were on our way down to our friends house to help look after the girls so that our friends could spend as much time together as possible with Freddie. That Saturday night I had the very unexpected honour of getting to meet Freddie. I was thrilled to get to meet the beautiful little man and even more unexpectedly, he had his eyes open and was awake and making little noises. It's no secret that I am a complete sucker for babies, but Freddie was just so beautiful and special in so many ways. I melted when I saw him. My heart completely ached for my dear friend when I saw her as it had been doing all week. I don't think I have ever wished so hard for a magic wand as I did in that moment. She is so strong, so dignified, so much a mama bear that it awed me.

The next day, Sunday, was a crafting day. Not exactly my strong point, but somehow sat around the dining table with the girls and Charlie it didn't matter. Actually it was fun and even I joined in. There was much laughter and chatter as we each child chose a different craft kit and away we went, one kit at a time. Apologies for the pics - only taken on my iphone.

 

The laughter and chatter continued on after lunch. The girls were coping so well, it astounded me. I must say something here about Charlie and how utterly proud I was of him. He was so thoughtful and caring all that day and the next. I never once had to intervene. He seemed to realise without being told that being normal was best and had worked out that making the girls laugh was a very good thing. He went out of his way to make jokes and keep everything light and fun and I think it was just the right thing to do.

More crafting after lunch and then some playing. Josie in particular really impressed me with the sewing kit. She was very determined to finish it. Charlie and Fran shared a kit as there was only four and managed this very co-operatively. The last kit was Charlie's choice and was the scratch art which they all seemed to really enjoy, I think this was everyones favourite and they were all disappointed when they ran out.

After a couple of DVD's they went to bed and Charlie joined them all to listen to stories which apparently then had them all telling stories and jokes and there was much laughter coming from upstairs which was lovely to listen to. Throughout the day Josie could be found on several occasions sitting on Charlie's lap or cuddling Charlie which just looked so sweet. 

On Monday, we all went to the hospital and I had the honour again of spending a little bit of time with Freddie. He wasn't awake this time and was struggling a bit with his breathing but he was so beautiful, he seemed to have gotten blonder since I saw him on Saturday! I touched his little hand before I left and commented to his mum that he seemed very long and I was sure he would be tall. Once again the feeling of being totally useless struck me as I stood there saying hello little man and telling him he had to grown big and strong if he could.

That afternoon the children all played in the garden whilst their dad was back at the hospital, it was a lovely sunny day and they were happily running about involved in their game. Maddy had a nose bleed and then cut her finger, both at the time I was cooking dinner for them. The cut finger was a bit much for her but somehow I made it better and calmed her down.

I can't blog the events that happened after dinner, that night or the next day. It's too raw for me at the moment and I'm not sure it is appropriate to talk about what happened when their dad came home for lots of reasons.

I can say that I am incredibly proud of how Charlie handled that night and the next day. I know it upset and perhaps even traumatised him, seeing people he loves so upset, but he didn't let it show until we had left. Right up until we walked out of the house he was strong and held it together for their sake. He gave hugs where they were needed, made people laugh and played with them and sat silently with them when that was needed too. One image I do have in my head is of that Monday night with him sat with Josie on his lap and his arm around Maddy. I have no idea how a 12 year old boy had the level of maturity to know what to do, but he did. 

I will always be honoured and feel lucky that I got to meet Freddie and see him twice in his short but special life. He will always have a special place in my heart. A special place for a very special baby boy. Sleep tight beautiful little one.